i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
