I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
