There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
