i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
