so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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