Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
