Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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