He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
