I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
