My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
