A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
