we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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