Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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