so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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