After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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