i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
