You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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