i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
