as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He better not be in your backpack
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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