whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
