i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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