I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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