Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
