I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize