I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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