just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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