So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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