If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
