I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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