In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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