More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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