I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize