Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
