I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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