she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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