Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
