Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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