Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize