I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
