A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
