Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize