Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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