nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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