you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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