The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
