ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
