Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
