11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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