i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
