I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
