I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize