eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had sex on a roof
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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