Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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