Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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