Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
