In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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