You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sorry about my life...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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