jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
