Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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