His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
