walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Did I show you my penis last night?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
