If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
