party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
